Gray People are destroying America. (And possibly Canada.)

Posted: June 15, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

(Too many of my posts lately have been heavy with social commentary and the mocking of xenophobia. Which, I mean, yeah, is kind of the sort of thing I gear this blog towards, but I also miss the old days (as in, like a year ago), where I just made fun of hipsters and talked about Mario.)

SO. Ahem.

NEVER TRUST GRAY PEOPLE

Lessons I’ve learned.

I watch a lot of cartoons. I read a lot of books. I soak in a lot of pop culture. And I’ve noticed that these forms of media have all sent a strong warning all these years: never trust gray people. I’m honestly a little concerned about how deeply this has been ignored. We’re in danger here, people. Our artists have made it very clear that anyone with a grayish skin pigment is not to be trusted. War criminals and man eaters are among their ranks. We need to be on the alert.

Example #1:

SHAN YU (and all the other Huns) from Mulan

GRAYEST guy ever! He’s heavily armed, probably smells bad, and is undoubtedly very dangerous.

He also has yellow eyes. I can see why he freaked out the Chinese.

An AVALANCHE cannot KILL HIM.

Um. Yeah. Loud and clear.

 

Example #2:

ERIS, GODDESS OF CHAOS from Sinbad

Honestly, if the title GODDESS OF MOTHERFUCKING CHAOS didn’t clue you in, yes, I’m disappointed in you, but at least her greeny gray skin will gross you out before you make any deals with her.

I also spy some unibrow action, which should be Physical Clue #2. Everyone knows unibrows are a fashion statement of the evil.

Not that that really worked out for Sinbad.

Um, yeah, guys. That happened.

 

Example #3:

HADES from Hercules 

He’s gray. His hair is made of fire. God of the Underworld and all.

Yellow eyes are obviously a gray people trend.

I think it’s pretty self explanatory. Notably, The Fates are also kinda gray.

And sharing one eyeball. Degenerates.

 

Example #4:

ZOMBIES

When they’re not green, they’re gray.

Why does the one with her tits out have vampire teeth around her neck?

I honestly think this is a serious concern, in the wake of our obviously-looming zombie apocalypse.

 

Example #5:

URSULA from The Little Mermaid

She’s ugly. She’s nasty. She’s a Sea Witch. It’s pretty much spelled out for you right there.

You’d think she could use all that dark ocean magic for a makeover.

I mean, just look at where she LIVES.

Honestly, Ariel, sweetie pie, there were more that enough situational cues there.

 

Example #6:

LORD VOLDEMORT from Harry Potter

If you’re not aware of Voldemort’s faults, you’re not allowed to read my blog. Go home.

But seriously, Voldie. Ew.

He also has no nose. Deeply suspicious.

If that doesn’t unnerve you, I don’t know what will. OH. This:

I can’t make this shit up.

 

Example #7:

VAMPIRES

Vampires really only come in gray.

And really, what kind of a dumb shit trusts vampires? Not your kind of dumb shit, I hope.

 

Example #8:

ORCS (in particular from LotR)

These guys are just gross.

Yuck.

And they’re VIOLENT, too:

Yeah…they’re a threat to society and need to see a dentist.

 

Example #9:

MEWTWO from Pokemon

Mewtwo. Such an asshole. Trying to take over the world and shit. That’s not cool, man.

I hate evil pokemon, and so should you.

I tried to find a satisfactory clip of him, but they all made me angry, so you’ll have to take my word for it.

 

Example #10:

ALL OF THE SO FAR NEGLECTED DISNEY ANTAGONISTS from Every Freaking Princess Movie

Maleficent

Come on, no one with horns can possibly be a good guy.

Snow White’s stepmother, who’s also a witch and a queen

She’s gray-ish.

Cinderella’s stepmother

I know she looks almost flesh-colored, but don’t be fooled, this is one gray hag.

Mother Gothel

It’s not youth she gets from Rapunzel’s hair. It’s beige flesh.

Cruella Deville

She. SKINS. //PUPPIES//

What have we learned? Gray people are a threat to life as we know it. They will tear down the values of our society and put old people on death panels. Stop them. Stop them now, while there’s still time.

You’re a wizard, Harry! (Spoiler-free.)

Posted: July 19, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

So as I promised, I went to see HP7 today. Without passing judgement on the movie, I cried. Hard. In the theater. And yes, I was indeed affected by the events of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. I’d be lying to say I wasn’t. But what really made me cry?

It’s really over this time. There’s not another midnight release party at Border’s left for me. (And let’s not even get in to the potential liquidation of that company, because that’s another stew of emotional distress entirely.) I’ll never got to another 12:15 AM release of the newest HP movie. It’s over. It’s really over.

I tried to look on the bright side. Pottermore.com will be opening in October…but a big part of me worries that that will just be more bad fanfiction and another place to sell merchandise (not that I object to either of those things, but you know). And hey, in 30 years, I bet they’ll remake the movies! Or at least…kind of remake the movies. There will be more movies. The way there are more Sherlock Holmes movies even though Sir Arthur Conan Doyle has been dead for many a year.

This so called bright side doesn’t really cheer me up. When the 7th book came out, I read it as slowly as I could so I wouldn’t have to face the end of Harry Potter. …I’m pretty bad at endings.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m crying about a lot more than No More Harry Potter. Everything in my life is changing. Ending. I know I shouldn’t think of it that way—rather, I’m just entering a new chapter in my existence, right? Or at least this will be the next book in the series.

But I have to admit that I have trouble thinking of it that way. This is my last year of high school. Soon someone will expect me to be Almost A Grown Up. I’ll go to college. I’ll say good-bye to old friends and old hang outs. It’s the end of ugly pink furniture to sleep on before class starts. It’s the end of sitting on a park bench with my Arizona watermelon juice and discussing a twisted brand of philosophy with my best friend. It’s the end of my bedroom.

I know I’m being ridiculous. That’s the sad part. Everyone changes. Everything changes. It’s not just me and I have no right to whine about it. Maybe, just maybe, changing is part of being one of those homo Sapiens. Humans. But it kind of hurts.

Today, I got an email from Transylvania University. I know it’s probably not where the vampires—or even the transsexual space aliens—go to get their degrees, but I think I’ll look into it anyway. If I’m being forced to grow up, I intend to do it among The Undead.

Noo out.